Fuck shit that should work but doesn't!!!!!!!!!!!!

       Why is this happening?

Prince Charming,
        Everything is wrong. I wish I didn't have to want you gone, but it's the only way you'll never find out about the baby. You say you'll be gone in 3 months. Well good for you, out of this town like I will be, you'll never have to see me again and no one that knows you or me right now will be a part of my life so I'll be safe to raise him... or her. I want him to grow up with a mom that can give him all the love of two parents so that he doesn't miss you, so that he'll never have to wonder about you the way I know I will. You deserve the very best in life, and as my best friend I want you to have all the chances in the world. A baby at 18 isn't what I wanted for myself and for you it would be a disaster so this is my gift to you, the chance at the perfect life you deserve. Life changes in an instant and this is how it's happening now... The baby is the only thing that's keeping me alive right now and I will live for him or her. I've decided that if it's a boy I'm going to name him after you, I know it's going to hurt but you always did say your first son would be named after you like you were named after your dad so I'll do that. If it's a girl though I'm going to name her Milagros, it means miracles in Spanish. Either way of course the baby will have my last name, but I was thinking of changing it, starting totally new... I'm not really sure what I'd want though. I have to get your letter back from Shanice because when our child asks what kind of person their daddy was I can give them the letters/lyrics and show the kind of person you were, the sweet amazing man that you were... And how much you thought you loved me. Our child will know you through your words, you were always so good with them, you made me believe every word out of your mouth afterall...
      I look at myself every morning and I look at my stomach and wonder why. I mean fuck. The tiny amount that must have escaped that condom... and the pill? I think I know why the pill didn't work though. I threw up remember? After the first one at school, I had thought it had been more than two hours though but it may not have been, and then I threw up again when I got home from the movie at Brandons that night. Fuck my stomach. Fuck everything! Do you have any idea how fucking pissed I am that this happened? That my entire life is fucking over because of some stupid night at the park! I didn't even want to fucking have sex that night, I thought it was disgusting to do it at the park like that, but I knew you really wanted to and I wanted to make you happy. And then when I told you I started my period. Fuck I mean I really thought I had! How was I supposed to know it was just going to be that one little bit and that it's normal during the fist months of pregnancy?! I'm so fucking stupid! FUCK EVERYTHING!
       But I can't let myself think that way. Everything happens for a reason right? I can still do and be all the things I wanted to be before this, no matter what our baby will be proud of me for the things I will do. I am worried though, so much about his safety... I should see a doctor, take special vitamins and stuff, but I can't do any of that. I don't have money, I'm thinking about asking Bubbles for help but I haven't spoken to her and I know how mad she'll be that I've allowed this to happen to myself. She'll want me to tell you and then she'll want me to get rid of the baby. I can't do that. The A word has never really been an option for me, I mean I had really thought I could go through with it if need be but now I see that I could never. On top of that I still don't sleep, and the stress... I've been reading a lot about baby's and it's so bad for him. I'm eating a lot more now but I just throw up more... the morning sickness is horrible. And my cravings are weird. I just want a shit ton of weird crap. I even started craving dirt! I smell it and I just have to put a little in my mouth, that and wax from my candles. It's fucking sick. I'm losing weight and gaining it and god knows what's happening inside of me.  And now I keep having these pains in my lower stomach, that hurt like hell. I want to see a doctor so bad. But I'm just going to have to wait. I'm scared, I don't want to do this alone anymore but I don't know what else to do. I can't tell you now, it's too late for that. It's too late for anything.
       Except calling Bubbles, I think I will send her an e-mail, she knows people. I need to take care of myself, I need to protect our baby, well my baby. I love you Prince Charming. I wish this had never happened, any of it. Then six or so years from now I bet we would be sitting in a doctors office together going through this, happy. But whtever right?                                                                              
                                                                                               Forever yours,
                                                                                                  me

Shit all over...

        Nothing makes sense anymore...

Prince Charming,
       Why are you being a jerk to him? Yea so what if he likes me? I don't like him that way we're just friends, I'm tired of sitting all alone at break and walking alone at lunch, crying. Would you rather me be miserable all of the time? I am miserable but at least when I have someone to be nice and talk to me I can keep it in and have a little fun. It shouldn't matter that he likes me. You know that if you wanted to be with me you could be, you don't want to so you aren't.

I want so bad to hate you

Prince Charming,
        I want so bad to hate you, I want to see your name ringing on Kayts phone and not give a crap but I can't, I love you even if you don't love me...
       The only thing that has kept me going is my little miracle and I'm failing him too. I can't hold anything down, I've lost not gained weight and I know how bad that is. On top of that I can't sleep and I cry all the time, I'm so afraid of hurting it. Also I smoked a cigarette two days ago... It was three puffs really, because I felt to shitty and just idk... I wanted to kill myself after, I felt like a bug, so stupid and useless but I wont do it ever again, I'll never do anything to hurt him again.
       I don't know why I'm so convinced that it's a him, I just am it's like I can feel it. I can't say that I'm happy that he's going to be born, actually I'm so much less than happy but I have to push that aside because he really is a miracle and he's all mine. I've been thinking of what I will say to him the day he is old enough to ask about his dad and I really don't know what I'll say. I don't ever want him to think that he was a mistake and if I tell him who you are and he finds you, he'll realize that he was his dads mistake :/ 
       I may not be able to hate you but I sure as hell can hate myself. If he's a mistake then that means that I was a mistake too. I hate it! Every time I think of the first time we made love I cry so hard, my entire body hurts, I can't breath or think I just want to die I hate feeling like it ment nothing to you. Like we were nothing because to you that's what we will be in the future, nothing...
       And you did exactly what I was afraid you would do. You talked to me for one long and wonderful night and then stopped. That was the only night I haven't cried since you abandoned me and now the pain is so much worse. I'm stupid stupid stupid STUPID for believing in you. I should have never promiced you forever, I didn't want to, but when you looked me in the eyes I had to say yes. Because I knew that I could do it, that I wanted forever in your arms because you were the only person who has always made me feel safe, the only person who never lost faith in me who I wanted to protect from myself... I hate myself for not being good enough for you, but then again I always knew I wasn't.
                                                                                                 Forever Yours,
                                                                                                      Princess Buttercup

As time flows...

       It's been a while, so much has happened. I currently continue to vomit everything that I swallow, sleep less than four hours a night on a good day and continue to resist the drugs. I sent him a note asking to be friends, he didn't respond. I found out he's going to prom with his ex. I moved out, he should have been there to help me pack but instead his best friend was there to help me. Of course he ended up not being able to help with anything, so instead we just hung out, wandered the neighborhood. Randomly Prince Charming sent me a txt on my e-mail and we've been talking ever since. And today his best friend asked me to prom...

Dear Prince Charming,
       I feel so lost and sick, but I've been trying my hardest to not give up on myself every day. The best thing though is that you're speaking to me! You're really speaking  to me! On my e-mail, nothing as good as a phone call but still! It's the closest thing to happy I have felt but I can't really be happy. You could stop talking to me just as fast as you started, so I'll stay guarded. Oh I'm in such a pleasant mood that you are speaking to me that I've forgotten to say that I can't stand you. You're a poser and a loser, I hope you have a wonderful time at prom with her and I never want to see your stupid face again.
       There. That was my moment of anger and sadness and bitter tears, I'll stop now. I'm going to prom with your best friend. I wonder if I should tell you? Shanice says yes. I don't think I should have too. I mean it's not like you told or considered my feelings when you asked her to prom... and we're just going as friends at least in my eyes, and you broke up with me, and I can do whatever  I want. He's been really nice to me lately and I'm sure that asking me to prom is just another way of trying to cheer me up. I love you Prince Charming... but you've hurt me so much. I don't want to care about your feelings.
       I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this point in time though. Yesterday was strange for me, hanging out with Steven at the mall, there was something unsettling about it. I was surprised that morning when Kayt came into my room saying that he had txted asking if he could talk to me. I mean me and Steven are only friends because of you, and we've never been close, he did offer to help me move on Friday and since we broke up he's been very nice and tries to hug me when I cry, but that's about the extent of our friendship. So the fact that he took the time to txt Kayt so he could talk to me seemed odd. Right off he let me know him and his girlfriend broke up and then offered to spend the day with me at the mall I wasn't about to say no to company so we agreed to meet up.
       Kayt and Shanice say he likes me... I think so too :/ Just the way he acted yesterday. I don't know what to do Prince Charming, I don't like him in a romantic way at all. I love you, even if it doesn't matter to you anymore, and I'm so worried about the little miricle I don't have time to worry about a silly little boys feelings. What ever happened to bro code????

                                                                                            Forever yours,
                                                                                                 Princess Buttercup     

I am

      Positive. Smiley face. Pregnant. Three tests. One jug of ice tea. My life is over, and just beginning all at once. How did this happen? I trusted the condom, I trusted the pills. It's a miracle that this happened. a horrible horrible miracle. And I can't tell anyone...

Prince Charming,
       Thank your god every day that you will never have to deal with it. Thank him that you got out before you had to man up. Our mistake is a miracle too. I can't stop crying. I hate this. I hate everything inside of me I want to die. But for now I will try to eat and sleep. For it's sake. I love you Prince Charming. I'm sorry.
                                                                                                               
                                                                                                     Forever Yours,
                                                                                                         Princess Buttercup

I can't...

       I can't do it I can't take the test. I want to but I can't. I'm scared. I'm alone. I haven't slept in four days and thank god for spell check. I can barely think or see. I'm so dizzy.

Prince Charming,
I need to hear your voice I need to hear that everything is going to be ok. I want one of your hugs, a best friend hug. I kknow I said I never want to talk to you again. But you promiced forever and always you'd always be there. that makes you a lier. Ima  cowerd im stupid and prideful and sick and i have nothing in my stomage but i want to throw up anyway. i hate everything and kayt keeps teklling me to smoke pot with her to help me sleep and get my mind off of you and i know itll work but i wont! i wont! i wont! i wont drink i wont do any of it! i will make you proud of me and maybe one day you'l see me and realize that i am the girl you could spend your forever and always with. but for now im nothing.
                                                                                              forever yours
                                                                                                    princess buttercup

Three days...

       I haven't slept three days straight. And I've thrown up the three things Ive tried to eat. My stomage is empty, and yet I havent really lost any weight. I'm so dizzy it's hard to concentrate on anything today from the lack of sleep. I usually sleep for at least two or three hours a night when I'm at my worst. But with no sleep at all. I feel as if I'm dying and really... I wouldn't mind. Shanice is going to get me sleeping pills though so maybe then I can finally get some rest. But most importantly.... I'm going to take the test tomorow morning or maybe tonight if I don't sleep. I'm going to know once and for all if I am or am not. The sleep is bad though. I thought I talked to Shnice on IM yesterday night and when I asked her about it she said we didn't talk that she hasn't even been on her IM... I think I'm going crazy. I wish it was a dream of some sort but it wasn't It was only eight at night and I hadn't even tried to sleep. I know the difference between what's real and what's not!

Dear Prince Charming,
       You look so happy whenever I see you. Always smiling and laughing. I'm happy you're happy. I wish I didn't have to see you though it makes things so much harder. I love you. I hope everything in your life turns out perfectly.
                                                                                                      Forever Yours,
                                                                                                         Princess Buttercup