Why is this happening?
Prince Charming,
Everything is wrong. I wish I didn't have to want you gone, but it's the only way you'll never find out about the baby. You say you'll be gone in 3 months. Well good for you, out of this town like I will be, you'll never have to see me again and no one that knows you or me right now will be a part of my life so I'll be safe to raise him... or her. I want him to grow up with a mom that can give him all the love of two parents so that he doesn't miss you, so that he'll never have to wonder about you the way I know I will. You deserve the very best in life, and as my best friend I want you to have all the chances in the world. A baby at 18 isn't what I wanted for myself and for you it would be a disaster so this is my gift to you, the chance at the perfect life you deserve. Life changes in an instant and this is how it's happening now... The baby is the only thing that's keeping me alive right now and I will live for him or her. I've decided that if it's a boy I'm going to name him after you, I know it's going to hurt but you always did say your first son would be named after you like you were named after your dad so I'll do that. If it's a girl though I'm going to name her Milagros, it means miracles in Spanish. Either way of course the baby will have my last name, but I was thinking of changing it, starting totally new... I'm not really sure what I'd want though. I have to get your letter back from Shanice because when our child asks what kind of person their daddy was I can give them the letters/lyrics and show the kind of person you were, the sweet amazing man that you were... And how much you thought you loved me. Our child will know you through your words, you were always so good with them, you made me believe every word out of your mouth afterall...
I look at myself every morning and I look at my stomach and wonder why. I mean fuck. The tiny amount that must have escaped that condom... and the pill? I think I know why the pill didn't work though. I threw up remember? After the first one at school, I had thought it had been more than two hours though but it may not have been, and then I threw up again when I got home from the movie at Brandons that night. Fuck my stomach. Fuck everything! Do you have any idea how fucking pissed I am that this happened? That my entire life is fucking over because of some stupid night at the park! I didn't even want to fucking have sex that night, I thought it was disgusting to do it at the park like that, but I knew you really wanted to and I wanted to make you happy. And then when I told you I started my period. Fuck I mean I really thought I had! How was I supposed to know it was just going to be that one little bit and that it's normal during the fist months of pregnancy?! I'm so fucking stupid! FUCK EVERYTHING!
But I can't let myself think that way. Everything happens for a reason right? I can still do and be all the things I wanted to be before this, no matter what our baby will be proud of me for the things I will do. I am worried though, so much about his safety... I should see a doctor, take special vitamins and stuff, but I can't do any of that. I don't have money, I'm thinking about asking Bubbles for help but I haven't spoken to her and I know how mad she'll be that I've allowed this to happen to myself. She'll want me to tell you and then she'll want me to get rid of the baby. I can't do that. The A word has never really been an option for me, I mean I had really thought I could go through with it if need be but now I see that I could never. On top of that I still don't sleep, and the stress... I've been reading a lot about baby's and it's so bad for him. I'm eating a lot more now but I just throw up more... the morning sickness is horrible. And my cravings are weird. I just want a shit ton of weird crap. I even started craving dirt! I smell it and I just have to put a little in my mouth, that and wax from my candles. It's fucking sick. I'm losing weight and gaining it and god knows what's happening inside of me. And now I keep having these pains in my lower stomach, that hurt like hell. I want to see a doctor so bad. But I'm just going to have to wait. I'm scared, I don't want to do this alone anymore but I don't know what else to do. I can't tell you now, it's too late for that. It's too late for anything.
Except calling Bubbles, I think I will send her an e-mail, she knows people. I need to take care of myself, I need to protect our baby, well my baby. I love you Prince Charming. I wish this had never happened, any of it. Then six or so years from now I bet we would be sitting in a doctors office together going through this, happy. But whtever right?
Forever yours,
me
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