I want so bad to hate you

Prince Charming,
        I want so bad to hate you, I want to see your name ringing on Kayts phone and not give a crap but I can't, I love you even if you don't love me...
       The only thing that has kept me going is my little miracle and I'm failing him too. I can't hold anything down, I've lost not gained weight and I know how bad that is. On top of that I can't sleep and I cry all the time, I'm so afraid of hurting it. Also I smoked a cigarette two days ago... It was three puffs really, because I felt to shitty and just idk... I wanted to kill myself after, I felt like a bug, so stupid and useless but I wont do it ever again, I'll never do anything to hurt him again.
       I don't know why I'm so convinced that it's a him, I just am it's like I can feel it. I can't say that I'm happy that he's going to be born, actually I'm so much less than happy but I have to push that aside because he really is a miracle and he's all mine. I've been thinking of what I will say to him the day he is old enough to ask about his dad and I really don't know what I'll say. I don't ever want him to think that he was a mistake and if I tell him who you are and he finds you, he'll realize that he was his dads mistake :/ 
       I may not be able to hate you but I sure as hell can hate myself. If he's a mistake then that means that I was a mistake too. I hate it! Every time I think of the first time we made love I cry so hard, my entire body hurts, I can't breath or think I just want to die I hate feeling like it ment nothing to you. Like we were nothing because to you that's what we will be in the future, nothing...
       And you did exactly what I was afraid you would do. You talked to me for one long and wonderful night and then stopped. That was the only night I haven't cried since you abandoned me and now the pain is so much worse. I'm stupid stupid stupid STUPID for believing in you. I should have never promiced you forever, I didn't want to, but when you looked me in the eyes I had to say yes. Because I knew that I could do it, that I wanted forever in your arms because you were the only person who has always made me feel safe, the only person who never lost faith in me who I wanted to protect from myself... I hate myself for not being good enough for you, but then again I always knew I wasn't.
                                                                                                 Forever Yours,
                                                                                                      Princess Buttercup